Weblog

Saturday, 23 May 2009

  • Alone on a Friday Night with My Thoughts

    It's back to the emo me again...

    Okay, it shouldn't be that bad. I mean, I got a car yesterday and got to talk to my potentially-new-best-guy-friend. But I'm just annoyed that I'm here on a Friday night with no one to talk to or hang out.

    The ending is approaching, and it feels like a death. I really want to go to COD, but my parents will make my life a miserable hell if I do. And UCLA is extremely costly. Honestly, I think I might be in debt for the rest of my life!

    Anyway, my plans for this weekend were really abundant, but I don't know how many of them will satisfy me anymore. My mom said that Nathan CANNOT sleep over under any circumstances, but I really hope my dad---or I---can stand up to her so everything can go my way for once.

    Even though my Friday plans are already ruined.

    And all my mom says is, "Gee, you always just want your dad and I to give you rides everywhere. You treat us like slaves and you NEVER do anything in return." All right. I help clean the house, my room is relatively clean for being a teenager boy's room, I wash dishes, I do all my homework, get decent grades, etc.

    Did you guys want me to go to wild parties every weekend or drink or smoke or something? I mean, I probably could if I wanted to. All that happens is I ask for rides like every two weeks or something. That's not huge. A lot of people get rides from their parents everywhere every day. OR they have their own car that they can drive around when they want. It's my senior year and I feel like I deserve to have fun after all the hell I put myself through the other three years. I totally killed my social life in favor of my educational one. Now I want some returns, and they're not willing to give it to me. I know I should take what I can get, but...
    If everything can go my way, then my English group and I will have fun and make a great project, Nathan will come over on Sunday and sleep over on Sunday (and maybe on Monday too), and Armi, Jem, Mariz, Nathan and I will have fun at my house doing not-so-costly activities---swimming, playing tennis, board games, watching a movie (or several movies), or whatever else.

    Right now, my friends are probably hanging out with their other friends, working, or at the Palm Springs Museum rave.

    While I'm still stuck. In this rut.

    I really just wanna cry, sleep, and hope the miserable night passes over and the weekend officially begins, but I don't know what'll happen if I do. I hate that--not knowing that certain things will happen and ignoring the events that would lead up to a positive outcome, like getting to talk to someone but deciding not to call them.

    I just don't wanna ruin other people's good time, but I think I'll always be a drag like this, and it is just a big bummer.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

  • My Shortest Blog Ever(?)

    Home sweet home. While I was away, my mom was my ally. Alas, now she is once again the prison ward. The sweet irony. Tomorrow I have to fly solo. The temple won't be as much fun without my friends, but... I don't know if I wanna break away. I'm drained of most of my energy and am at a loss as to how to proceed. I might've stepped on too many toes. More blogging to come in the extremely near future.

Saturday, 04 April 2009

  • Life Sucks

    So I just had yet another argument with my parents. I don't understand why, it's always been this way. Us fighting back and forth. It comes down to acceptance and support, I think.

    If you look at the ways I've tried to look better for colleges and reach for more and try to fulfill my whole potential, my parents haven't been the biggest support for that. I mean, they move into a huge house far away from all of my friends. Gee, that's a great idea. Isolate me from any outside support I could've had. A big reason of why I can't go anywhere is because my friends don't wanna come over because "I live too far." I hate that. And my mom's just been a mega-bitch over everything. EVERYTHING. Anyone else can party 'til late on weekends, my mom freaks out when I'm just out with my friends---not even getting drunk at any parties; many people have cars or their parents take them wherever they please, I have to take the bus and BEG for rides from my friends (which is extremely embarrassing a lot of the time); other moms always seem to be nice and not bipolar with their kids, my mom seems to yell at me a lot for someone who's "relatively a good kid."

    I really don't understand. I thought I was a pretty good son; I don't feel like I cause trouble as much as other kids; I try hard in school and have gotten somewhat decent grades WITHOUT THEIR HELP... Nothing's adding up for me.

    And now they're trying to find out about financial aid. Seriously? It's been a super long time that they've known (or should've known) and I admit I could've had poor communication with them, but I blame them for cutting off connection with me first. They say I talk too much about nothing/nonsense, and when we're going to spend some family time together, it's always on their schedule. I feel like a worthless doll that they just play with whenever they feel like. I'm not a toy. Honestly, I'd be able to handle things better with a car, and parents who are in MUCH WORSE financial situations can afford to give their kid(s) a car. What about me? And it's not just that, they try to avoid going to any school functions that involve parents, saying "they already knew that" or "they're busy" when it's one of the nights they're free. If they actually cared, they should've taken action earlier, or at least set me up for a better future.

    I realize that I sound selfish, but I don't feel like anyone really knows what's going on with me and assume I'm "just a rich/spoiled kid" and that's not the case at all. I have no freedom and I can't even get my parents' attention half the time.

    My parents, I've concluded, don't care about me (other than about how much I'm costing them money).

Thursday, 12 March 2009

  • Leave Me Be!

    All right, so I'm really annoyed. It's just that... I'm such an idiot all the time. I wanna be happy, but then I don't. I don't know what I want, and someone pinned it perfectly when they said, "Billy, you just want people to tell you what to do."

    But I don't.

    I wanna be able to make my own decisions. Be independent. Actually have values to follow, so I'm not always stuck in the middle, pondering and analyzing and letting life pass by me like... like a cheetah next to a snail.

    And I don't know why it kills my friends so much that I'm the way I am. I mean, I've TRIED to accept them the way they are, and ... I just don't understand why they can't do the same. I don't understand why I choose friends that are different from me, and similar to each other. It leaves me out in the cold as the black sheep in hang-out groups.

    It's like, I want my friends to be a certain way, and they want me to be a certain way. And I try to give them what they want, but they're not necessarily giving me what I want. And they say, "You should just accept me for the way I am." But then they don't totally accept me for the way I am. And when people that agree with me say something about a friend, I try to stand up for them. But it's almost never reciprocated. They just agree with other people that "I should change." I mean, if you want me to accept you, then shouldn't it be the same way?

    And I'm really sorry, but I wanna feel adaquate. I wanna feel like I can provide for my friends and help them, but then they just look at me as if I were babying them (maybe I am, but I believe I have the best intention in mind) and tell me to stop. And I don't wanna be the weakling/little brother type. I just wanna feel equal to my friends. But it won't happen if I just keep letting them step all over me.

    I don't wanna be emotional anymore. I want a best friend who can meet all of my numerous expectations. I want someone to be with. I want my parents to accept me for my personality. I want to be able to rewind time. I want to not be vulnerable. I want people to treat me better. And I can't seem to control any of these wants; I've always had them, and been powerless to control them.

    I think I need help.

Saturday, 31 January 2009

  • The Last Year of High School

    This is it.
    The last semester of high school.
    After this, I'm "free."
    Or am I?
    I don't know what I wanna do after school, or if I'll still be with my friends.
    They're so important to me...
    But then lame things happen like they begin to change---to the extent that I can't handle them anymore---or they're too prideful to call me after a fight. And sometimes I don't wanna try. But sometimes I think "how could I ever live without this friend?" Then there are times when I think "HOW IN THE HELL DID I EVER GET ALONG WITH HIM/HER?"
    I'm supposed to be able to tell who I'll remain post-high-school friends with, but right now,
    my list is definitely editable.

Bored_To_Death_7

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    • Name: Peerawat/Billy
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    • Member Since: 6/4/2008

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  • I'm a Leo and a Horse (that sounds weird). I'm part-Thai, part-Chinese, although I can only speak Thai and English (and a hint of Spanish). Talk to me if you want to know more!

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